*B*K*C*(NECpfs)startrek:WE01041989.0342-PU "STAR TREK: A SEQUEL" (A skit for the Port Washington Public Library's Science Fiction/Fantasy Festival) (14th Annual Festival - February 18-22, 1986) Written and Directed by:..........................George Mochizuki Starring (in order of appearance): Kirk....................................Adam Gray Sulu....................................Marc Guggenheim Spock...................................Bruce Caruthers Uhura...................................Flora Huang Chekov..................................Darci Stratton Scotty..................................Peter Bakija McCoy...................................Michael Chesleigh George..................................George Mochizuki Festival Planning Committee (1985-86): Zeea Adams Michael Chesleigh Flora Huang Steven Ryner Steven Aronstein Julian Fessler George Mochizuki Darci Stratton Peter Bakija Adam Gray Stephen Naidich Bruce Tatem Bruce Caruthers Marc Guggenheim Christopher North Rachel Young Library Coordinator and Liaison:..................Suzanne Ponzini The skit opens with the "Star Trek" fanfare. The Curtain opens as the music fades. ACT I KIRK Mr. Sulu, steady... SULU I know! I know! Steady as she goes, sir! VOICE OVER Captain's log, stardate...oh, whatever it is! The crew is growing increasingly irritant due to the lack of plot diversity in our explorations. I, myself, can almost predict what will next occur... A slight pause. SPOCK Captain, we are approaching... UHURA Don't tell us! A planet, Spock? SPOCK Affirmative. Readings indicate... CHEKOV Don't tell us! An oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere? SPOCK Correct. I am also picking up... SULU I know! Life forms of a peculiar nature! Right, Spock? SPOCK Affirmative. KIRK What else is new, Spock? SPOCK If you look on the screen, gentlemen. KIRK Spock, what is that? Hands behind back, with an innocent look on his face: SPOCK There is insufficient data for a positive clarification. KIRK In other words? SPOCK I don't know. ACT II UHURA Captain! CHEKOV Don't tell us, Uhura. You're picking up a strange distress signal from the planet. UHURA Ah, yes, but tell me where it's originating! KIRK The planet surface? UHURA You get one more guess. Crewmembers raise their hands. SULU Inside the planet! UHURA gestures a "you got it". KIRK Spock, Scotty, what should we do? As before, hands behind back, with an innocent look on his face: SPOCK Naturally, Captain, we should respond. SCOTTY Aye. CHEKOV But in five seconds, Uhura's going to tell us that we've lost their signal due to jamming. UHURA Captain, we've lost... KIRK I know! So, what do we do, gentlemen? Once again, as before, hands behind back, with an innocent look on his face: SPOCK At this time, sir, all available data point to no definite conclusions. SCOTTY What are ye tryin' ta say, Spock? SPOCK I don't know. KIRK Maybe I should beam down there myself. Maybe I'll discover a civilization in distress and save it single-handedly from the oppression of a malfunctioning computer. Transporter room, stand by. SCOTTY Again, sir? This is becomin' a wee bit redundant! Beggin' your pardon, sir, but it could be a little hasty goin' down there without knowin' what dangers lie ahead. KIRK You're right, Scotty. Your accent could use some work, but you're right. For all we know, it could be the deadliest thing we've ever faced in our careers. We shouldn't go down there. (pause) Security guards to the transporter room! (smile) (to SPOCK) Should we? SPOCK Why not? They're just extras. ACT III UHURA Captain, a report from the transporter room. The security guards have returned from the planet. KIRK Report? UHURA They didn't have much to say. They're dead, Jim. SULU Hey, that's McCoy's line! UHURA Sorry. KIRK I want an autopsy right away! UHURA It's already been done. KIRK Sickbay. Bones? Report to the bridge. Lieutenant, inform Starfleet of our situation and request assistance. UHURA Well, as usual, sir, we're the only ship in the quadrant. CHEKOV Dos' cossacks! No good for anyt'ing! They're nut'ing but little old ladies from Leningrad! MCCOY enters the bridge. KIRK Bones? MCCOY What is it this time? Another disease? Are you aging ten years every minute? Somebody get turned into a pair of dice? More vampires? Your brain disappeared again, Spock? Somebody around here have psychic powers all of a sudden? What's going on now? What is it? What do you think I am? A doctor? KIRK Your autopsy, Bones? MCCOY What? Oh, yeah. Well, as far as I can tell, those poor guys died of shock. KIRK Shock? MCCOY Those two must have seen something horrible. KIRK That's it. We've got to go down there. Mr. Sulu? SULU I know! I know! If you don't return within three hours, warp out of orbit and inform Starfleet Command! KIRK Gentlemen? Spock? SPOCK Lessa go. They all go off, even SULU. There is a fanfare of music. ACT IV VOICE OVER Captain's log. We are beaming down to the planet's interior to find out what horror lurks in the deep confines of this dark and eerie planet. While KIRK speaks, the LANDING PARTY enters the auditorium through a side door, their appearance preceded by a shower of glitter/confetti. They enter walking in slow motion as if they were in a low gravity environment. All speaking in slow motion. SPOCK Cap...tain? KIRK Y...es, Sp...ock? SPOCK The en...vir...on...men...tal gra...vi...ty he...re is iden...ti...cal to th...at of the shi...p's. KIRK Are you cer...t...ain? SPOCK A...ffir...ma...tive. Speaking normally once again. KIRK Fine. They all walk normally across the floor below the stage, totally unaware of the audience's presence. Suddenly, SCOTTY notices the audience, and on his face is a look of horror and shock. SCOTTY Captain! Captain! KIRK remains unaware. KIRK What is it, Scotty? SCOTTY points in terror at the audience. KIRK finally notices, as do the others. They all shout "Whoa!" (except SPOCK) as they spring back. CHEKOV Keptin! Vwat are dey? UHURA Alien creatures out to conquer the universe! SULU Again? MCCOY Well, what in blazes do we do? SULU I call for unrestricted panic. KIRK Wait! Wait a minute! Spock, do you notice something? There is a pause. SPOCK They look like us. KIRK Humanoid! Well, most of them anyway. CHEKOV Keptin, have we found another duplicate of earth? SCOTTY Like I was sayin', sir, a wee bit redundant, hmm? KIRK (to AUDIENCE MEMBER) I won't hurt you. Do you understand? I won't hurt you. The AUDIENCE MEMBER responds, or KIRK hears someone speak. KIRK English! They speak English! MCCOY The beings on all the other planets we've explored speak in English. Why should they be any different? GEORGE enters and approaches the LANDING PARTY. KIRK Who are you? GEORGE I'm George, don't you remember? I directed this skit, and I am also the sound man. You're in the middle of the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Festival in the library's meeting room. These are the gracious people attending it. SCOTTY Nonsense. I bet you're a Klingon Spy! UHURA Or an Andorian saboteur! SULU Or a Betelgeusian Marxist woolyhead! GEORGE I've been thinking about this whole thing, guys. Let's just give it up, huh? We've got movies to show, an art contest, a costume contest, and other enjoyable activities. This is just disrupting the festival. KIRK Phasers on stun! They all draw their phasers. KIRK Go ahead. CREW (in unison) Make our day! KIRK Fire! Nothing happens. KIRK Are the phasers functionally ineffectual, Spock? SPOCK They're not working. GEORGE Alright, you guys. I was kind enough to give you a warning. You are on your own. GEORGE walks away. KIRK Let's get the heck outta here. Back to the Future, I mean back to the Enterprise! Instead of "beaming up", the LANDING PARTY members simply climb up on to the stage and take their positions. KIRK Let's warp out of orbit! CHEKOV Destination, Keptin? SCOTTY "Where are we going? CREW Planet 10! SCOTTY When are we going? CREW Real soon!"* KIRK Thisaway, I mean thataway! Warp speed, Sulu! SULU Okay! SULU slams on a button, and the whole CREW is thrown to stage right. (guys, get it right this time). SCOTTY I think ye pressed the wrong button, lad. SULU I didn't think it made a difference which button I pressed. Aren't these just props? CHEKOV approaches KIRK. CHEKOV (his accent is gone) Shatner, let's just forget this, huh? It just isn't working. KIRK Go to your post, Chekov! CHEKOV C'mon, Bill, you'd be better off doing that margarine commercial, or that cop T.V. series. What's it called, J. T. Lancer? SPOCK I would surmise that this man has been affected by a rare virus and may be a danger. SPOCK attempts a Vulcan "nerve pinch" on CHEKOV. CHEKOV Cut it out, Leonard! Take off those stupid ears, will ya? KIRK Alright! Alright! Listen to me. Would you rather be one of them? KIRK points to the AUDIENCE. CHEKOV looks at the AUDIENCE, ponders for a moment, then steps up to KIRK. CHEKOV (his accent has miraculously returned) Permission to return to my post, sir? KIRK pats him on the shoulder. MCCOY exits. KIRK Carry on. Suddenly, the "red alert" klaxon sounds. The lighting on the bridge turns red and menacing. UHURA Captain! I'm picking up distress signals from all known parts of the quadrant! Our signals are being jammed! SPOCK Confirmed. Seven Klingon ships are in attack position, closing fast. SCOTTY Captain! The matter/antimatter pods have been sabotaged! SULU Captain! The helm does not respond! (t o SCOTTY) I told ya these were props! UHURA Captain! Weapons stations report all phasers missing! MCCOY rushes onto the bridge. MCCOY Jim! I think we have an epidemic of an incredibly rare, incurable space disease! KIRK Alright! Alright! Just don't panic! There's still some hope! UHURA Captain! Ship's stores report that we're completely out of nondairy creamer! KIRK That does it, we're finished! (pause) Wait a second! The klaxon stops. KIRK Is this a joke? The CREW breaks down in laughter (even SPOCK smiles broadly). KIRK Spock, what is the meaning of this? SPOCK Captain, the level of intellectual satiation of our most recent exploits is, in reference to artistic and critical evaluation, inadequate. KIRK What, Spock? SPOCK This is really dumb. SCOTTY Aye. KIRK Then there's only one thing to do. CREW What? KIRK MUTINY!! CREW MUTINY!! SCOTTY and CHEKOV take out bottles (of what, we wonder?), and drink out of them. Everyone runs off the stage with noisemakers and streamers, skipping down the aisles shouting "Mutiny!!" They disappear to the back of the room, except for GEORGE, who walks out onto the stage from the side, and stands at the edge of the stage. GEORGE Could I interest anyone in a Federation Express Card?" He shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head sadly and walks off. The lights on the stage dim to black. End. * From "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the 8th Dimension" ** This was a running gag for the previous three or four years (or five?), originating from a "Federation Express Card" "commercial" skit that year (and the next, and the next). (This was also the last sketch done by the Sci-Fi/Fantasy Festival Planning Committee, as the next two years no one could come up with a reasonable script, nor could most of the members afford any more time for rehearsals than already was needed to plan the festival itself [planning of which starts in September] as most of the committee members then entered the relaxing, peaceful world of high school. By June, 1988, all but two of the original core members had graduated and were off to college [or had entered into the "real world"].) Bruce Caruthers '92 4 January, 1989, 3:40 A.M. (WE01041989.0340-PU) Princeton University (at a time when I really should be studying for final exams...or sleeping)